Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 31 May 2010

image for Frank Lampard Afraid Of Taking Penalties
Three Lions on the chest, a million flies around the arse

There was a mixed reaction to England's storming 2-1 victory over Japan in their final warm-up game before the 2010 World Cup yesterday, as the sweet smell of success was tainted by the ghastly aroma of Frank Lampard shitting his pants over his penalty miss.

Lampard, who also missed a spot-kick in the FA Cup Final win over Portsmouth two weeks ago, seemed hesitant before his penalty yesterday, and scuffed one along the ground which even the crappy Jap goalie found it easy to parry.

According to an unnamed England team-mate, Lamps has confessed he is now afraid of taking penalty kicks.

In his post-match interview, England manager Fabio Capello wouldn't be drawn on who might be the team's chief penalty-taker during the tournament, but it's not likely to be the Chelsea player, who finished the game with a nasty big brown stain down the back of his shorts, and a swarm of flies following him around.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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