Written by Michael M. Pepe
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Topics: Future, Hockey

Monday, 21 February 2005

image for World Reacts Harshly to NHL's Cancellation
The House of Lords was among the bodies summoned in emergency session yesterday.

After intense negotiations between the NHL and the NHL Player's Association broke down, the prospect for hockey in the near future seem dim. The cancellation of the National Hockey League's season has caused ripple effects across the world. While a feeling of apathy toward professional ice hockey has pervaded the United States, nations across the globe are taking decisive action to handle the crisis.

The British House of Lords was summoned into an emergency session yesterday, when it became apparent that there would be no hockey in 2004-2005.

"This is an extremely rare move for this House," said the Earl Marshal, the Duke of Norfolk. "Never since the dawn of the Second World War have We, the Lords Spiritual and Temporal, felt such a compelling national interest to warrant such a bold step."

The Duke proceeded to choke down his crumpet and efface the tea stains from his ermine.

The French Estates General, which has not met at all since it was officially disbanded by King Louis XVI in 1789, assembled today in Paris to condemn the NHL's decision. A groundswell of bitterness towards America is expected, many observers of Franco-American affairs fear, yet it is not felt believed that the antipathy will become so intense that any food items will need to be renamed. Some members took the rare opportunity to suggest yet another Revolution, claiming, "It's been a God damned long time. We're overdue."

The governments of Chile, Saudi Arabia, Denmark, and Nepal have all declared a period of official State Mourning. Various Eastern European nations, including Romania, Latvia, Estonia, and Belarus, have placed their militaries at the highest state of alert. The United Nations Security Council issued a strong Resolution denouncing the NHL's decision. The Security Council was unwilling to enforce its Resolution, which evoked hearty laughs from across the NHL. It took no further action on the matter.

Egypt, Sri Lanka, and Austria have withdrawn their ambassadors and cut off all diplomatic ties with the United States as long as the hockey season is stalled.

Faced with such bold international reaction, embattled NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman commented, "This all seems a little over the top, but at least it's nice to know that somebody cares."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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