Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 3 May 2010

image for San Jose Diving Competition Won by Sharks
Da San Jose Boys are Pretty Good at it, Eh?

With a tremendous display of athleticism both on their skates and off them, the San Jose Sharks won a heated competition with the Detroit Red Wings last night by virtue of flailing arms and off-balance dramatics in the act of professional diving.

Enjoyed by one and all in the "Shark Tank", including both fans and on-ice officials, the diving was truly first rate, earning the Sharks widespread applause and an extra two minutes of man-advantage multiple times in the game. The officials were so in awe of the quality of the San Jose dive that their arms were lifted as if by God's own hand while signaling one of several penalties to the Wings.

The normally stoic Detroit Coach, Mike Babcock, seemed to enjoy the frivolities, smiling and even laughing on the bench while the Sharks pulled off the next bit of acting. Even the on-air television announcers had some fun during acting class, commenting frequently, "I don't know about that call", which wound up putting another red jersey in the penalty box. One wonders if the referees were actually from junior hockey ranks, where it is custom to be paid in advance by the home team before calling the game.

"In the end, playoffs mean that players have to be allowed to play", said the Detroit assistant to the assistant trainer, Terry Sawchuck (no relation). "Real men play hockey, take a puck to the face, and get up to play again. Diving is for pussies."

Amen, brother Terry. Amen.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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