Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 16 February 2010

image for Olympic Curling Event Draws Record Crowds
Fred Barsky after his 10th Beer, before the horrid curling accident

Though most non-Canadians walking through the Olympic grounds in Vancouver have never heard of the obscure sport, the 2010 team curling competition has drawn huge crowds, overwhelming event staff at the Vancouver Ice Centre.

With planned seating set to accommodate a little more than one hundred excited fans per team, on-site ticket sales have ballooned to support more than 7,000 people each day of the competition. Event coordinator Gray Nittrok tells reporters, "Who would have thought watching a painfully slow, glorified game of shuffleboard would be this interesting".

And yet, it apparently has been. Though one could argue that curling is not a sport at all; critics liken it to bowling where "curling athletes" could just as easily include guys that are 140 kilos, there is strategy, passion and loud verbal exchanges to be had as part of the game.

"That, and the $2 beer specials inside the arena", comments newly converted curling fan and New Jersey native, Fred Barski. "Me and the old lady really like it when the guy throwing the rock starts yelling 'HURRY' and 'HARD'. Sounds like a Saturday night back at the Basrki bedroom". Mrs. Barsky followed his comment with a swift elbow to the ribcage.

Nittrok defended the sport by trying to describe stone placement strategy through a series of rounds called "Ends". Looking up at the scoreboard, Nittrok said, "And it looks like Canada just took one in that end", to which Barsky replied, "And Mrs. Barsky will be taking one in the end a bit later".

Competition was halted shortly after, while medical teams did their best to stabilize Fred Barsky prior to ambulance transport. Most were still in shock, having witnessed the forced placement of a 20 kilo curling stone up into Mr. Barsky's own end. Police are questioning his wife as to motive for the assault.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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