Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 15 February 2010

image for NBA All-Star Game Sets Attendance Record - 108,713!
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger shown talking to Pres. George Bush in one of the Cowboy Stadium's 800 restrooms.

DALLAS - Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones' $1.15 billion Cowboy Stadium was the host of the 59th National Basketball Association's All-Star Game.

The game was turned into a combination basketball game, music concert, and circus.

Rhythm and blues singer Usher got the festivities going before the games tip-off as he sang every song that he has ever recorded.

After 35 minutes Dallas Mavericks owner and one of the All-Star game coordinators Mark Cuban had to actually get on stage and motion for Usher to stop singing.

When Usher ignored him Jerry Jones had four Dallas Police Officers go up on stage and handcuff the singer. Usher was led away to a waiting police car and taken downtown to the Dallas Police Station to be booked.

Usher whose real name is Usher Raymond IV was born in Dallas. Mark Cuban told TNT commentator Charles "The Round Mound" Barkley that it is a good thing that Usher is a Dallas boy, because if he had been from California or New York he knows that Jerry (Jones) would have instructed the police officers to shoot his a*s.

Both the NBA Western Conference All-Stars and the NBA Eastern Conference All-Stars were pretty much evenly matched.

The half time show included the Colombian firecracker, Shakira. The tight leotard-clad blonde sang a song from inside a cage, another one from inside a wind tunnel, and a third song from inside Kirstie Alley. The last performance was truly an amazing physical feat which had never been attempted before.

The NBA basketball record-breaking crowd of 108,713 sat in their seats mesmerized and in total disbelief as they watched Shakira's third number.

After Shakira finished her performance, the stage was cleared for New York gal Alicia Keys. Keys appeared dressed in a brown blouse and pants outfit which included a brown hip flap in the back, reminiscent of the loin cloths that the Apaches, Comanches, and Potawatomi Indians used to use.

The hip flap was clearly placed there to conceal Alicia's quite ample booty.

Alicia who is a very good looking singer with the saddest eyes in America sang the New York themed song "An Empire State Of Mind."

TNT sports commentator Marv Albert noted that, that was the 973rd time that Miss Keys has sang that song, just since Christmas.

Fellow sports commentator Reggie Miller (Cheryl's little brother) asked if Keys was getting a fee from the city of New York every time she sang that song.

Charles Barkley chimed in that he had heard from Spike Lee (who considers himself to be "Mr. New York Knicks") that Keys was indeed getting monetary compensation for singing that song. He odd-looking Lee pointed out that he has heard about concerts where Alicia actually sang the song four times during her concert set.

Barkley's little fellow commentator, former Houston Rockets star, Kenny "The Jet" Smith said that he has heard that song so much in just the last two weeks that he is actually thinking about going in for therapy because it is starting to affect his appetite, his driving, and even his showering habits.

Meanwhile Marv Albert noted that during the game three babies had been conceived in the dome. Barkley added that the TNT cameramen managed to catch two of those three couples in high definition.

Towards the end of the game, it turned into a back and forth scoring duel. But when the scoring dust settled the East had defeated the West by a score of 219 to 217.

Dwyane Wade of the Miami Heat received the "Best Offensive Player Award" thanks to his 96 point scoring effort. Wade also received "The Most Valuable Player Award" as well as the "NBA Player Who Has Gained The Most Weight In The Past Three Months Award."

And it was no surprise that no player (again) received the "Best Defensive Player Award." Like Marv Albert said, "Hey folks, it's an All-Star game the word defense is unheard of."

Reggie Miller stated that Spurs coach Greg "Mr. Defense" Popovich must surely be sitting in his home in San Antonio literally chewing off all of his fingernails as well as his toenails.

Charles Barkley was named the "The Second Fattest Person In The Entire Dome." The "Fattest Person In The Entire Dome" of course went to Kirstie Alley.

Dallas Cowboys Hall of Fame running back Emmit Smith's wife, received the "Prettiest Sports Wife" Award. And Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones received two awards. The first award was for the "Oldest Person In Cowboy Stadium." Jones will turn 93, in October.

Jerry's second award was for the "Best Looking And Hardly Noticeable At All Toupee Award."

In other news. Sarah Palin confided to Rush Limbaugh that if she is elected president in 2012, the government will not have to worry about buying meat for the White House because she'll just simply go out and shoot her food.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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