Written by Jalapenoman
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Sunday, 14 February 2010

image for Tonya Harding Upset That Group Offers Knee Whacking Services To 2012 Winter Olympians In Her Name
She'll even cut someone's laces or dull their blades if you don't want a physical attack

Former Olympic Ice Skater Tonya Harding has announced that she is upset others are offering knee whacking services to all of the 2012 Olympic athletes in Vancouver, Canada. "Tonya Harding Knee-Cap 'Em Services" is in no way connected to her, she claims. "I oughta sue those guys for using my name without my permission! This is very upsetting and brings back an incident in my life that I'd rather forget."

The skater, who is most famous for orchestrating an attack against Nancy Kerrigan to improve her own chances in the 1994 Winter Olympics, said that she did authorize the use of her name or image in conjunction with this business. "I want everyone to know that it wasn't me this time," she said from her Eugene, Oregon double wide.

Words on the advertising brochure for the service say that they are not limiting themselves to figure skaters. "If any skiers or hockey players or anyone in any of the other events wants to take out their competition, our group is open to doing it to any atheletes."

Harding was upset that Olympic officials have allowed this organization to post flyers in the dormitories of the Olympic village. They have also gotten the word out by posting handbills on the area telephone poles and community bulletin boards. "They're also handing out flyers outside of the stadium after the opening ceremonies," said Harding.

Flyers and brochures did not reveal the cost of her services, saying only that "the fame of an Olympic medal and all of the sponsorship deals that you get will more than cover our nominal fee."

For persons not wanting a physical attack against an opponent, they will also offer to cut their shoelaces, dull their skate blades, put sticky stuff on their luge or skis, or put laxatives in their food. "Our services are unlimited and we guarantee that they will not perform to medal standards if you buy our product."

Thus far, no takers have come forward publically. Remember, however, that if Eddie The Eagle suddenly wins the ski jump or if the Jamaicans are on the medal stand for the bobsled, that the illicit "Tonya Harding Knee-Cap 'Em Service" was there!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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