Written by Steve Douglas
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Topics: Cycling, Illegal

Saturday, 1 October 2005

image for UCI bans another substance
Americans gassing the field

The sporting body of cycling has banned yet another substance as stated in a report released today. According to the report, the Union Cycliste Internationale has added beans to the list of illegal substances and they are currently revising the Anti-Doping standards to include a "No Beans" clause.

In a press release this morning, UCI spokesman said "After several studies we have concluded that the after effects of a bean enriched diet produces gaseous results that actually increase the athlete's wattage." But that is not the only side effect that the UCI was investigating, apparently the bean enriched diet also tends to have major effort on the rest of the pedalron.

According to test results to be released later this week, the end results of beans produces a rear thrust much like an afterburning jet engine, and has been shown to produce results as much as a 2 kilometer boost. The study also concludes that a rider who produces 12 to 15 of these ‘Gas boosts" during a 180 kilometer race would gain as much as 2 minutes on the field.

According to unnamed sources, SPOOF investigators have learned that all this stems from complaints from T-Mobile team captain Jan Ullrich, and apparently the German isn't the only one smelling the scent. When asked, Ullrich responded "Most of the Americans in the pedalron tend to leave a very foul odor that causes major gaps in the crowd and allows them to break away."

Evidently the effects of beans has a much great effect on American rider, "Their diet is much more receptive of the effect of hi-gas producing foods," UCI Spokesman Jenny Craig answered when asked. "The diet of Americans from an early childhood is often enriched by such hi-gas foods."

The study is so new that the UCI is struggling to find some kind of test to combat illegal use of beans. Right now the only test seems to include a stool sample, which according to UCI officials can be flawed. "Refried beans will not show on this site test." A UCI Scientist said, "It is impossible to catch them after they have digested the suspect beans."

The Americans in the pro tour are in a real mix up about this ruling, it seems that one of the US Postal rituals is the pre-ride bean burrito, something perfected by racing great 6 time Tour de France Champion Lance Armstrong. "This is total crap, who in their right mind would make such ridiculous claims. Come on, get real." He complained in passing.

So for now the UCI had closed the can on Beans, leaving the Americans wondering what ever will become of the Campbell Soup slogan "Full of Beans."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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