Written by Morse
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Friday, 15 January 2010

image for Tennessee ' Volunteers' Can't Get Anyone to Take Over Trashed Football Program!
University of Tennessee Mascot(s): Conjoined Mockingbirds!

The NCCA is investigating the possibility of reducing the University of Tennessee's football program to Division III level after the recent departure of Coach Lane Kiffin, and the inability of the Athletic Department to find a replacement after contacting at least 125 qualified individuals with coaching credentials.

According to insiders, all 17 scholarship recruits for the entering class of 2010 have declined their scholarships and are said to be on the move to USC to join Kiffin whose only legacy for the $2m salary plus perks for 405 days of work was a 7-6 record, a blow out bowl loss, and the 'Lane Kiffin Memorial Toilet Bowl for 2009' now enshrined in the Athletic Department's Show Case.

Interim athletic director, Addie "Mae' Beevus, the previous AD left with Kiffin for USC taking the recruits, has said to be 'in tears' after being rebuffed by everyone on her coaching list. According to insiders, the nicest reply she got was from a Junior High School Coach in Montana who replied, "What...are you F*****g Crazy!"

The consensus amongst possible candidates is universal...answering the call at Tennessee would be like answering the call to prayer issued by Osama Bin Laden....Big Mullah today....tomorrow you go BOOM!

Even the alumni are said to be bailing out in disgust. Reports are surfacing that financial pledges have been revoked, and redirected to instate rival Vanderbilt in Nashville.

Alumni comments have been vicious, " At least when we go to Nashville, we can be entertained," said one tailgater...they have the 'Grand Ole Opry", Kiffin left us with a worn out soap opry!"

With the prospects of an empty stadium to fill, liberal professors are touting the venue for "Neighborhood Outreach Programs' featuring Michelle Obama, Van Jones, Rosie O'donnell, Reverend Wright and Hugo Chavez and his Follywood contingent of George Clooney and Sean Penn, amongst others.

There are also plans for musical concerts to include The Bonkettes,Bruce Springsteen, and Elton John playing the new Tennessee fight song "Blowing in the Wind."

The teacher's union is said to be lobbying to distribute the spoils from the Football Program said to amount 'to at least $300,000 per tenured Professor..more if he/she actually shows up and teaches a class."

According to ESPN 'Outside the Lines', gentlemen coaches Urban Meyer of the Florida Gators, and Steve Spurrier of the South Carolina's Game Cocks, said that if the 'Volunteers' do field a team of walk ons, grad and Honour Students, they would spot them 40 points, and let them receive the first kick off.

The State Bird for Tennessee is: The MOCKINGBIRD!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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