Written by Sussman
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Wednesday, 4 August 2004

image for Williams, Jones to begin world tour
Kentucky Derby winner Smarty Jones (above) and former running back Ricky Williams.

Former NFL running back Ricky Williams and 2004 Kentucky Derby winner Smarty Jones will tour the world, representatives announced.

"This is gonna be so freakin AWESOME!" Williams said at a press conference. "Dude, we're gonna go to Asia, Europe... oh man, I hear in Amsterdam you can do any drug you want!"

"Sweet!" Jones remarked.

Williams announced his retirement from the National Football League two weeks ago after testing positive for marijuana a third time in his career. Smarty Jones retired from horse racing a few days ago. When asked why Jones retired, he muttered it was from persuasion from Williams.

"Dude, this guy has been on my back for some time," Jones said. "'Dude, we gotta hang out sometime!' he kept saying. I was gonna get to it, but I've been so busy with horse racing. Now that I'm retired, I have so much time to just do my own thing."

Williams has been under pressure from sports fans and media experts for running away from his problems because he may have faced a suspension had he stayed in the game.

This reporter had the opportunity to speak with Williams and Jones in an exclusive interview.

When asked about the public criticism he has endured over the past couple of weeks, he just shrugged.

"I don't listen to 'em, man," Williams said in his apartment. "I don't care what anyone-anyone!-says 'bout me and ol' Smarty here. We cool."

Among other things, Williams and Jones will go back to school, read books at their own leisure, and appear on late-night television shows.

"Awesome man. Just awesome," Jones said, giggling. "Just ... duuuuuuude, I am so freakin' high right now, just come back tomorrow afternoon."

At that point, Williams burst out into laughter for no reason.

"Hey Smarty, this reporter dude is hilarious. He thinks you're an athlete. You're not an athlete, dude, you're a horse!" Williams remarked.

"Yeah," Jones said. "But check this out. No wait, man listen to this-what if ... 'nobody' is really an athlete. What if ... we're all just ... you know, different people?"

"Whoa," Williams said. "That's amazing. You should win a Nobel Prize or something. You're awesome."

At that point, Williams and Jones left their apartment to go to Circle K to purchase more Funyuns.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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