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Saturday, 3 October 2009

image for Alien spaceship seen hovering over Manchester, space time continuum altered
'It's 90 minutes, Jim, but not as we know it'

Scientists were astounded today when a large alien spaceship materialised over the English city of Manchester, and altered the space time continuum there.

'We'd suspected that the forces of nature in Manchester were being tampered with for a while', Professor Rooney of the Salford Institute of Scousology said, 'but now we have the evidence. Using atomic-powered timing mechanisms to measure 90 minutes, which is exactly 5400 seconds, we found that it had been altered by over 2 minutes to 92 minutes 14 seconds, or 5534 seconds. And shortly afterwards the huge spaceship appeared above the Trafford area, clearly equipped with a Fergi Timer from the Outer Arm of the F'a Nebula.'

Eager scientists from all around the world were converging on Manchester at the news, and one, Abu Dhabi miragologist Pompi Rel'i Ghate'd, said: 'The spaceship is clearly a sign, a sign that Arabic businessmen are not running English football clubs into the ground, but have been affected by the aliens' special Fergi Timer.' Others have claimed they saw the craft hovering above Old Trafford at the end of last week's match between City and United.

'Yes', Professor Rooney agreed, 'there was a suspected shift in the temporal axes just long enough for Michael Owen to score a late winning goal at that match. 90 minutes became nearly 97, which was a tad unfortunate for Mark Hughes' team, but you can hardly blame the referee for a fifth dimension suddenly opening up above the Reds' ground, can you?'

Although the alien ship has disappeared again, Professor Rooney and his assistant Igor Ferdinand estimate it will return once more very soon. 'There is some differential structure in the space time continuum that is connected with the cities of Manchester and London, the town of Govan, the continent of Europe, and factories and breweries in Japan and the Netherlands, but we are not yet sure of the significance of those places.'

'Stop eating that dead sheep, Igor. Something about all of them is connected with increased alien space craft sightings and suspected alterations of time in the month of May every year.'

But not everyone agreed with the findings of the scientists. The head of the FA, Sir Bigfour Fixklebore, said 'There may be a different explanation for all the time being added on at the end of almost every single match that Manchester United play in, especially when they need to get a late goal, but I don't know what it is.'

And former England manager Sir Kevin Couldntwin added: 'Funny how those aliens never alter time during England matches, isn't it? Must be a coincidence that FA refs don't referee internationals and the aliens only go to Manchester, I suppose.'

The truth is out there. Just ask Arsene Wenger.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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