Written by John Nugent
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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Hereford Utd to bid for Olympics
Edgar Street: a billion people watching soon?

Hereford United have made a bid to host the 2004 Summer Olympics. The Conference team were quick to shake off any allegations that Athens had already been picked as a location for the next athletics competition, saying "Sod those stupid fat Greek ponces. We can make a bid if we want to and we want to make a bid so we can make a bid."

The club are keen to state that their bid does not stretch further than the borders of Herefordshire. "We're not having the Olympics held in bloody Manchester or London, or even - God/Allah forbid - Cardiff. Our bid is for Hereford and Hereford alone."

The club feel that hosting such an elite event would be a booster to their financial assets, which at present are not doing too well. A combination of ITV's problems and a recent theft has left Hereford in considerable debts. "That break-in was a bit of a bugger," says a United spokesman to TheSpoof.com. "Some kids took all the money we had made from the games in the season. We kept all the cash hidden in a biscuit tin under seat U32." Police say they got away with around £19.25 and three chewits. "We'll be more careful next time," the spokesman said. "We've buried the tin on the pitch now."

The 'giants' claim their four hundred and twenty-two year old stadium, Edgar Street, is completely sufficient to hold such a prestigious event. "It's got a capacity of 2,347, which could quite happily seat 1/38th of the population of Liechestein." Critics have said the stadium would not be suitable for the many sports that the Olympics host. "We've already got a football pitch, so no problems there. As for running, the skinny fellas are more than welcome to do a few laps round the carpark. The high jump's catered for - the goalposts, swimming can take place when we get flooded, and when it comes to long jump - just jump, you tossers!"

An IOC spokesperson has said, "Sure. Next you'll be telling me that all British athletes are completely clean of drugs. Arse off, I've got a meeting with my dealer. ?Of oranges, naturally."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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