Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 6 August 2009

image for Newcastle United Moat Announcement
The moat: artist's impression

There was a major development in the Newcastle United saga this afternoon when the troubled Championship side, who were relegated from the Premier League in May, announced that they plan to build a moat around the stadium at St James' Park.

A moat is a deep, broad ditch, either dry or filled with water, that surrounds a castle, building, town or football ground, historically to provide it with a preliminary line of defence.

The idea to build the Newcastle moat came about as a result of an extraordinary general meeting of the club's directors yesterday. It was claimed that, should the Magpies perform badly in their opening fixtures - a distinct possibility - the Toon faithful might try to occupy St James' Park as they threatened to do last season during the 'Mike Ashley Crisis'.

A moat would prevent this, and would make the stadium 'easy to defend'.

The specifications of the St James moat are not yet known, but as the circumference of the stadium is more than 1000 metres, it would be the longest moat in use at any football ground in the world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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