Written by matwil
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Topics: F1, FIA

Sunday, 14 June 2009

image for Formula One teams to have cars without drivers next year
The Church of the Non-Overtaking Feeble Drivers

In a move to make Formula 1 more exciting next year, the sport's chief executives announced that all cars would have no drivers for the races.

'Given that all drivers drive in exactly the same formulaic way nowadays, and there is more or less no overtaking or anything at all except for cars going round and round in a procession, with races being decided in the pit lanes, we felt there was no need any more for the drivers.'

'We also felt that cars driven by computers would actually take risks some times, and try and win by racing rather than how well engines and tyres perform. Also, with no drivers there would be no chance of the endless post-race overturning of positions and points due to ridiculous rule infringements - computers can't break rules, if programmed not to.'

But the drivers themselves weren't too happy about the decision.

'Look', Lewis Hamilton said, from his house in Monte Carlo, 'the driver's skill is all-important in a race. The fact that one year I won all the races and then the next year lost them all after getting a different engine in my car, does not suggest that the machine is all that matters. My skill at driving hasn't changed, it must be, er, the ... the other drivers' skills! No, maybe not ...'

Formula One is also branching out from racing, and for a few million pounds you can now hire their cars and drivers for funerals - the cars slowly follow the coffin in a procession round and round the streets before the service, though one or two may change position if they have to stop at florists to top up with wreaths. The first funeral to hire the services of the cars and drivers will be the funeral of Formula One as a sport.

The Reverend Ayrton Senna will lead the service, and hymns will be 'Oh Come, All Ye Safety Measures', 'In The Bleak Midwall', 'It Came Upon The Concrete Clear', and finishing with 'Oh FIA', with the words:

'Oh FIA, Oh FIA,
Your flags blue delight us so,
Oh FIA, Oh FIA,
Your flags black delight us more,
They're blue when thou doth overtake
They're black when thou forgets to brake
'Oh FIA, Oh FIA,
Your sport does not now any spo-ort make'

Collection will be by the Most Reverend Farcical de Marlboro, though mourners may note that after the service the FIA may deduct two of the hymns for 'not being sung in the right key', and the Reverend Senna himself may be replaced by a computer for 'giving the sermon in 2.2 seconds' time too quickly, while not observing the sermon speed limit in the apse lane, before failing to inform the church's elders of tieing his shoelaces the wrong way round in line 5 of the eulogy.'

R.I.P Formula One.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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