Following his poor performance, producing another dismal result in last weekends Turkish Grand Prix, Lewis Hamilton has announced he may take legal action against the McLaren Formula One team for loss of charisma.
Speaking through a Darth Vader voice changer helmet for dramatic effect, Lewis explained his dad had brought a laptop computer and a commercially available racing game entitled "Is Lewis a Talentless Twat".
Seeming to become emotional (although who could tell because of the helmet) his father took up the narrative. "I took the programme and put it in the computer and I couldn't believe what was on the screen."
Everything pointed to McLaren being totally at fault for Lewis's poor performance - he had absolutely nothing to do with it at all. If the car spun off, it was their fault, if Lewis was passed at the start, it was their fault. It was quite amazing continued the animated Mr Hamilton, with Lewis bobbing about at his side - its all their fault - we want compensation.
At this point from behind a pillar - placed there for exactly that reason - Max Clifford appeared. "We intend to cause the biggest upset the world of Formula One Motor Racing has ever seen" he said - "I have personally contacted both Bernie (the bolt) Eccleston and Max (whipper) Mosley - and we are holding a joint press conference this afternoon".
No one is sacred - the sleaze, the corruption, the tawdry sex lives - it all there in my book "Max - get a life".
Anyway, back to formula One - Lewis has a good strong case(he keeps his toys in it). No stone will be left unturned -everyone needs a sporting chance and we think Lewis has been denied this ever since they told him (secretly) that he would be racing without an engine (collective gasps arose from the assembled press pack.). It's true, wailed the Darth Vader helmeted fading champion, they told me I would now just have to run very fast.
At this point the press (and your reporter) lost interest and ambled away ...
Another poor performance is expected in the next race, and the next etc etc etc.