Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 20 April 2009

image for New Wembley Stadium Pitch To Be Torn Up After Sir Alex Ferguson Orders It
New Wembley pitch (artist's impression)

The FA has released a statement on its website this morning to announce that the much-maligned pitch at the new Wembley Stadium will be torn up, after it was alleged by Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, that the pitch was "dead".

Ferguson had just seen his side edged out of the FA Cup semi-final on penalties by Everton, and was seething when he spoke to reporters after the match.

The pitch has been the subject of much criticism of late, not least from Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, who claimed that the grass on the pitch did not suit his team's lovely style of "beautiful passing play and flowing football".

Sir Alex used no such flowery language, however, describing the Wembley surface as:

"Dead! A bloody ploughed field. Ah coulda grown spuds out there! Terrorble!"

Everton boss, David Moyes, saw it differently. He said:

"It was the same for both teams. Sir Alex changed his team before the kick-off, and we took advantage."

The FA though, have said that, as Sir Alex is at the head of English football, and seems to think he can do and say just whatever he likes - no matter what the consequences - they will tear up the pitch forthwith, and lay a new surface that will satisfy him, and upon which his team will be able to walk away with any game they play on it.

If they field their strongest line-up, that is.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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