Written by matwil
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Saturday, 4 April 2009

image for Shearer greeted like the Messiah in Newcastle
The Messiah feeding magpies a lot of bullshit

Following Barack Obama entering London looking like an ass - or rather sitting on one - it was new Newcastle United manager Alan Shearer's turn to get the Messiah treatment today.

Thousands of adoring people lined the streets of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, as the Christ rode into the city on a donkey, to fulfil the prophecy 'a King shall ride into the Royal city upon an ass' in Newkiel 3:23:2, and 'the King will soon look like one' in St. James 2:32, and they were crying 'Hosannah, yeah verily, for the King hath returned!', and 'Shearer! Shearer! Shearer! The Messiah is among us for a second time!'

And there was much throwing of scarves onto the road in front of the ass, and in front of the donkey, and much crying as tabs and brown and yellow cans were opened joyously, and the multitude went to the ancient hill that is known as the Toun of Gates.

'People', the Holy One said, 'fear not, for I am here. See what I have already done', and the people were sore puzzled, and there was much shaking of heads and picking of pockets in the Toun, for since he had arrived he hadn't seemed to have done anything. So the Messiah telt them a parable.

'There was once a carpenter that made tables and chairs, and verily he was very skilled at doing so, and widely admired by all. But one day he retired. Then soon after the carpenter's shop where he had worked needed an overseer, and the carpenter went to the shop and sayeth 'Let me be the manager, for I knoweth how to make tables and chairs', but the owner of the shop said 'But you haven't a clue about management, what good would you be managing my shop?'

'You're only famed for making tables and chairs.' And the carpenter thought, then answered 'Yea, but it will take people's minds off the fact that this shop is now doomed to failure, especially if I am its manager, but people will only notice that when it is too late', and the owner decided it was a good idea, and without doing anything to improve the shop or its poor output the carpenter was appointed. And the shop subsequently went out of business a few weeks later, and the carpenter was given the sackcloth and ashes.'

And the people did not understand what this meant, so Shearer told them another parable: 'If a man shall loseth his first game and loseth by two, he shall be sorely sad, but if he shall then saith 'It could have been worse, it could have been by eight', he shall be pulling the wool over a black and white sheep's eyes.'

'But if a man shall say 'Thou mightest well have a black and white sheep for thy shepherd than me', it shall be better for it to be the sheep, for the sheep shall never change its spots. Verily I say unto ye, heed ye not to the scribes, for they doth write much piffle about me to sell their parchments, saying that I am the Messiah'

'For the Toun Army are like sheep needing a leader, and I'm about the worst one they could look up to, I don't do miracles, and ye shall be needing a few to avoid the drop this summer', and people were crying and renting their clothes at this, so he continued:

'Beware ye a false Messiah, one that hath talents at some things, but none at all at being your King, for such a false Messiah shall only bring desolation to ye, and that about sums up this Second Coming', and with that Shearer left the Toun of Gates.

And in the nearby Toun of Scotha he came across local charioteer Paul Golgoscoigne, and the charioteer spoke to Shearer. 'What can ye do that others cannot?', he asked Shearer, 'can ye make a silver cup appear out of thin air in the Toun of Gates? Can ye run down the road to Scotha, to see the chariot races? Can ye turn the brown ale of Newcastle into water?'

'Why aye, man', Shearer said, 'or rather why no, man, I'm only here for the beer', and the two went into a nearby tavern and forgot all about the idea of a Messiah, and forgot all about St. James, and forgot about anything at all except for selling parchments for the local scribes.

St. James was seen in a nearby park, feeding some magpies a lot of bullshit.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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