Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 25 March 2009

image for Steven Gerrard To Go Back To School Over Bad Grammar
Back to school for Stevie (centre)

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard, the man who, according to Zinedine Zidane, is "the best and most exciting player in the world at the moment", has come in for strong criticism over his incorrect use of the English language, and is to go back to school to improve it.

Zidane, the one-time captain of France, delivered his glowing comments last week after Gerrard had scored two goals in the 4-0 Champions League demolition of the Frenchman's former club Real Madrid.

Gerrard played down his flattery, but made a serious grammatical gaffe in his response. He said:

"I don't think I'm the best. You've got your Messis and your Ronaldos - I enjoy watching them twos."

As most people probably know, Gerrard was referring to Barcelona's Argentine genius Lionel Messi and Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo, but there is only one of each player, and the Liverpool skipper was wrong to speak of them in the plural sense.

"Them twos" is not exactly correct, either.

Gerrard has committed other crimes against language, most notable of which is his incessant use of the present perfect tense instead of the simple past tense. A good example of this occurred recently when he described his role in Dirk Kuyt's goal in the 5-0 victory against Aston Villa at Anfield. He said:

"Dirk's flicked it in from close range after I've put the free-kick against the bar."

Reds' boss Rafa Benitez told fans on the club's website that Gerrard was aware of his language limitations, and had agreed to attend a local primary school on Mondays and Thursdays in order to improve his English.

Head of English at Liverpool John Moores University, Terry Sullivan, said:

"Y've got y' Gerrards and y' Carraghers and yr'Emlynuses, an' the aven't bin able te string morden a couple a werds tegether. It's shocken, just shocken."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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