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Tuesday, 24 March 2009

image for English women to replace men in their national football team
Thunderica Thighson at men's team night out - doing the cooking

The FA today announced that women were to replace its men as players in the national team.

'Well', FA chief Donald Duckov said, 'when we've been reduced to playing people like John 'Buster Keaton' Terry and David 'Can only take free kicks' Beckham we were inspired by the England ladies winning the cricket World Cup. So now it's time for the girls to step forward, and show the world English people can actually win things without bribing Russian linesmen.'

The new squad will be: Camilla Parker-Barker, Elspeth McIllivray, Musclina Bulgaria, Martina Peters, Davina MacBeckham, Olga Hammerskithrowerov, Paris Pervitia, Chelsea Bridges, Yvonne Mstachabo, Thunderica Thighson, and Madge Holliday. Substitutes will be Teresa Keaton, Penny Dalglish, and Jean Toshnikov. Manager Fabio Applestrudio will be replaced by Cherie Bleriot, and the new team coach will be Victoria Bus-Station.

John Terry himself had this to say about the new team. 'At last players that ruthlessly play to win with guts and skill, and have that never-say-die attitude. They might even be able to take penalties without falling over, I'm glad for the changes, the English men played like a bunch of big girls' blouses anyway, the real thing will be twice as tough as we were.'

German boss Franz Terrorflugen said: 'Uh-oh, now the Englanders might start to actually win something', and promptly sacked his squad, and also replaced the men with women. The new Deutschland squad are: Adolfia Himmlinger, Hermannia Goringen, Heidi Milchenfrau, Eva Braunschirt, Josephina Cowbels, Lotte Bonusbal, Dagmar Heinkelbomben, Treblinka Schwarzschwein, Meta von Tarsentropp, Stuka Divenbomyerhof, and Finalene Solutschionn. Subs are Beardannette Totenkopf, Uniforms Dodginesski, and Locha Nesmonsterhoffenbergeranschlussreichsmarks-lokomotivaleipzigipigalinekerdipthericus. New manageress is Munichita Agrimentiberg, and coach is Mercedes Sprintzer.

Television viewing figures for the forthcoming match between England and Germany are expected to be the highest in sporting history, as the players are all planning to play topless.

Davina McColeman will be commentating, and is expected to say things like 'and a second boob by Himmlinger has led to a goal for England', and 'captain Thunderica Thighson needs to firm up her rear', plus 'Germany have the chance to make a clean breast of this now, to make up for Himmlinger's earlier cock-up'.

France will be sticking to their more traditional formula for picking winning teams, by picking players from across the world who aren't French.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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