Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 14 March 2009

image for Wayne Rooney Hated In Liverpool
He uses that sweatband now

There was more reaction to the comments spoken by Wayne Rooney today, when, after the Manchester United and England star had said he hated Liverpool on Thursday, people in that city revealed their own feelings towards him - and they seemed to be pretty much mutual!

Rooney, who was born and brought up on Merseyside, played for his childhood idols, Everton, before selling-out and signing for Sir Alex Ferguson's United. Since then, he has never stopped badmouthing them, much to the annoyance of Scousers.

This morning, however, it became apparent that much of Liverpool feels the same about Rooney.

Lord Mayor of Liverpool Ken Dodd told us:

"This lad is typical of someone who bites the hand that feeds him. He grew up here, has family and friends in the city, got his big break in football here, and now says he hates it here. My standing in the community prevents me from saying what I truly feel, but suffice to say I'm not very impressed with his words."

Rooney's old headmaster at De La Salle School, Patrick Ferguson, told us:

"He was a right snot-nosed kid, always wiping his nose on his sleeve. I hated him!"

Rooney's parents, Tom and Jeanette, cringed when their son swapped the adulation of the Goodison Park fans to sign for United, and have obviously never forgiven him. His dad said:

"Stupid blurt! Can't keep 'is mouth shut, the dichhead! Traitor!"

Jeanette was no less critical. She raged:

"Always leaven' the toilet seat up, an' ar don' know how many times ar've toldem to pud'es bloody bike in the shed!"

The final word on the way Liverpool folk feel about Rooney, however, should go to his long-suffering wife, Coleen. Having to put up with Wayne day-in, day-out has taken its toll on the girl to whom Rooney proposed on the forecourt of a BP garage in October 2003 when she was 17. Looking jaded, she said:

"Am always aven' to pick up 'is socks from the carpet. An' the other day, ar cortem squeezen 'is zits on the bathroom mirrer! Knob'ead!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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