Sir Alex Ferguson was today given a new job, to go to Israel and sort out the war that is raging there - or rather the Israeli army massacring civilian Palestinians that is raging there.
Speaking from Tel-Aviv airport, the Man U manager said: 'Aye, it won't be easy, trying to speak Scots in a way that the namby-pamby English can unnerstand. But we should get a result here, after taking on Glasgow Celtic and Bolton Wanderers fans the Israelis and Palestinians will be nae problem.'
Sir Alex was greeted as a hero as he entered the Gaza, and even IDF snipers stopped shooting children to greet him. 'Hello, hello, Sir Alex', one sniper said, 'can you tell me the best way to take out a Hamas defender? I reckon sending air-strikes against the school he's in will do the trick.' 'You're talking shite, boy', the manager replied, 'if you take out children and women then you'll win the game but never win the league. Trust me, pal', and pausing briefly to punch the sniper in the face he went into the Palestinian area.
'Welcome, Sir Alex', local indiscriminate Hamas rocket-firer Mohammed Abbas said to the Scot, 'now you're here we can get a decent team together, and beat the evil, hated Israelis!' 'Listen, son', the coaching legend rasped, 'you're straight on the transfer list! Think I want saps that can't play like men and go around kicking women and children? There's the door, pal!'
An uneasy peace then broke out, as both Hamas and the IDF realised that Fergie was now in command. 'We daren't fire any more rockets, or we might get a teacup in the face!', said Hamas, and Israeli Major Hymie Weinstock added: 'Now that the wild man of Govan is here we've pulled all troops out of the Gaza. No chance of us carrying on our attacks, with Ferguson at the touchline screaming for a foul! No way, Macabee!'
If either side dares to defy Sir Alex the BBC will send in Gary Lineker, to bore both sides to death with his droning voice.