BOWLING GREEN, Ohio - The National Football League has just instituted a directive that states that beginning with the 2009-2010 season, football announcers and sports commentators will no longer be allowed to mention a player's college everytime they talk to him, show him on television, or mention him.
NFL Director of Media Monitoring, Mason Skipkennel stated, "For several years now we have noticed that this mentioning of the college where NFL players played their collegiate ball has really gotten way out of hand.
I mean who really cares that Brock Overholt played at Mississippi State, or that Todd 'The Caribou Poacher' Riggafrutch, Jr. played at UCLA, or that Ezra 'Tongue Twister' Waybacker played at Slippery Rock?
I mean what the hell is this crazy obsession with where an NFL player played ten years ago? Are the commentators perhaps trying to prove that some of the players are not really as dumb as they sometimes sound when being interviewed because they just actually may have a college degree in 'tattoo reading,' 'bench pressing,' or 'end zone dancing?'
The NFL conducted an Internet survey of 100,000 NFL football fans and the results were amazing. In our poll we asked how many people really cared about what college a professional player played at and the number was 7. So that means that 99,993 fans couldn't care less for that sis boom bah rah rah rah satistic.
So starting in 2009, if any of these 'sports mouths' slip up and do mention the college that a player attended, he will be fined $10,000 by the NFL.
If it happens a second time, he will be fined $20,000, and if he does it a third time, he will be arrested on the spot and charged with third degree habeas violacion colegio footballistico."
Skipkennel grinned and said, "Look, when was the last time that you heard a sports announcer or commentator say, "And coming in from the bullpen out in leftfield to pitch for the Cleveland Indians is Lefty Vanwater who played his collegiate baseball at the University of Texas?
And along the same lines do you ever recall hearing a golf announcer say, Billy Sollykister who played golf at Florida State University has just birdied the 13th hole."
In other news, The London Times is reporting that Russell Brand has bought a brewery in Tunbridge Wells, England. Brand's Brewery will soon be producing a special beer made from Russell Brand's secret beer recipe. The beer will be marketed as, 'Brand X.'