Written by Jonny Taff
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Friday, 21 November 2008

image for Careless Carling Broke Our Haka
No, not that Carling!

The New Zealand public have declared war on ex England rugby captain Will Carling after his disastrous appearance on last night's 'A Question Of Sport', during which he caused a permanent fissure in the hundred year old 'kama te' haka.

The evening started badly when born again vegan, Carling, mistook the green room's reef juice for organic carrot juice. By the time filming had started, the reef juice had taken effect and the usually eloquant bumface became a blithering idiot who couldn't stop scratching his moobs. He even made various diva-like demands such as the insistance that an empty starbuck's coffe cup should never be more than fourteen inches away from him.

Following several monotonous rounds in which Carling remained silent as Matt Dawson attempted manfully to prove his own sexuality and Phil Tuffnell tried woefully to stay coherent, Carling finally flipped.

He yelled 'yabba-dabba-doo' as he vaulted impressively over the desk, kicked Sue Barker in the teeth and turned to the camera. "Keep it rolling!" he hissed, and he then broke into the maori haka.

It started well - with fine feet stomping, gut-slapping and a genuinely scary moment as he poked out his toungue, but it all fell apart when he reached the middle of the yore-old nursery rhyme.

"Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru-" he cried and suddenly the whole thing fell apart. He couldn't continue and collapsed to the floor in a twenty one stone heap.

At precisely the same moment, the kiwi rugby team were about to practise their own dance routine at Canterbury ballet hall and every one of them felt the disappearance of the haka's third line.

They stumbled around in a daze, unaware of what had just happened. They knew the verse, were drilled in the routine but could not perform. It's almost as if they choked on the words.

News of Carling's slip spread quickly around the New Zealand public, fuelled mainly by Zinzane Brooke - Carling's long time lifestyle guru. "The problem is, I have to blame myself," said Zinny. "I only said he could borrow it to stop him from crying but I forgot about the curse linked to that middle line."

Legend has it that the missing line, which translates as 'This, the hairy man that stands here,' would only last as long as a hairy-arsed, bum-chinned jester from satan's land refrained from uttering the words. Unfortunately, that day has come.

The All-Blacks have promised to repair the haka by tomorrow's game against Wales, but quite how they will fill the gap is unkown. An insider has suggested that they are planning to insert the line "This, the orange man of the sun that stands here," but they are quite aware that the translation should remain a secret. They don't want to find themselves in the same predicament again and will take all steps necessary to hide the new haka far away from the clutches of Gavin Henson.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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