Charlotte, NC/ Open Wheel News - President Elect Barack Obama acted with alacrity today moments after news from Wall Street that the Big Three automakers declared bankruptcy and withdrew their NASCAR support.
Announcing it was "time for a CHARGE", Obama appointed Solar Powered Dildo spokesman Al Gore to head up the hugely popular NASCAR, and CHARGED him with CHANGING the image of the mostly red state beer drinking , pistol packing crowd of rabid fans.
NASCAR, with headquarters in Daytona Beach, Fl, but most racing teams housed in Charlotte, NC, hosted 1500 races on 100 tracks in 39 states, and also had events overseas in its long history. Drawing over 75 million fans a year it brought in over $3B in licensed sales before the current economic crisis brought it to an abrupt tire smoking halt.
Recognizing the current fan base was not a friendly constituent base in mostly GOP controlled states, Obama rejoiced at NASCAR's failure when oppressive union demands with unconscionable contracts finally brought Detroit's Big 3 automakers to its knees.
In a marketing campaign funded mostly by Japanese automakers, and spearheaded by ACORN volunteers currently out of work, Obama and Gore have vowed to turn the sport around in a dramatic fashion.
A typical hi-performance oval track car burns approximately 1000 gallons of hi octane fuel in a typical 500 mile race, and chews up approximately 10 sets of race tires equating to an acre of rubber trees from the Rain Forest.
Gore said the new races will feature soundless electric cars, and most races will be limited to about 150 miles, corresponding to a single charge of the vehicles' batteries. He is contemplating changing the 24 Sebring and Le Mans races to 48 hours and allow for a 24 hour lay up for the racing teams to recharge. One set of 5/15x70 tyres should last an entire season.
Most traditional race tracks will be closed due to being in GOP strong holds, and new tracks funded by tax payers will be built in Denver, Co, Burlington,Vt., San Francisco,Ca, and other secular progressive areas.
Gore said his first consideration is a new image and he is seeking sponsors from the bottled water industry, health food companies, laxative makers,
environmental scandal manufacturers, California Drug Rehab Centers, Marks & Spenser , and even popular brand names like Marmite and Muesli.
To complete the image change, Gore said he will be seeking a new look for driver images featuring Hollywood celebrities who have proven their driving capabilities such as Britney Spears and Linsay Lohan, and even low speed driving expert OJ, if he can get out of jail on appeal.
Nancy Pelosi said she would sponsor the first race at the former Presido Military Base in San Francisco, and has already lined up Del Monte to sponsor a Pineapple Car in the one lap around the base.
Sharon Stone and Britney Spears have already done publicity shots showing them exiting prepared race cars exhibiting environmentally friendly Beavers for additional sponsorship by National Geographic.