Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 6 October 2008

image for Spurs Adopt Celine Dion Song To Commemorate Worst Start To A Season Since Titanic Sank In 1912
Hazardous times ahead

Tottenham Hotspur football club, who are experiencing their worst start to a football season since 1912, have decided to commemorate the occasion by adopting the morbid Celine Dion song My Heart Will Go On from the film Titanic (1997).

Juande Ramos' side fell to another defeat yesterday at the hands of Premier League newboys Hull City, and are rooted to the foot of the table with just 2 points from seven games.

White Hart Lane officials have taken the unlikely step of changing the club tune to reflect their disastrous start to the campaign, and the team will now emerge from the tunnel at home games to the strains of the Canadian singer's dreadful wailing.

Tottenham played well against Hull, but had that familiar sinking feeling, with the tide of relentless inevitability washing over them.

An atmosphere of resigned helplessness permeated the whole stadium just after halftime, and their fans slowly struck up the tones of the new song, which had a serene and calming effect on everyone in the ground, including the Tigers' fans, who politely hid giggles behind their hands.

Former Tottenham hero, Sol Campbell, now playing for Portsmouth, and the unfortunate, innocent victim of 'racist and homphobic close-harmony chanting' from Spurs fans at Fratton Park last week, summed it up when he said:

"It's a tragedy what's happening at Spurs. They're drowning in a sea of mediocrity."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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