Written by Tess Tickles
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Thursday, 21 August 2008

image for Usain Bolt Laps Rivals In 200 Metres Final
Usain Bolt.

Usain Bolt has raised the bar in men's sprinting after lapping his rivals in the 200m final in Beijing and winning in a time of 0.578 seconds. The Jamaican managed to overtake his opponents for a second time on his lap of honour after he had already won the race, before the capacity crowd.

"I surprised myself", admits Bolt. "After I crossed the finishing line, I went and hugged my family, then I did some interviews, took up the Jamaican flag, tied my lace, ordered a coke and just jogged around the track thanking the Chinese for their support. Before I knew it, I was coming down the home straight in the lead for a second time. I just want to thank God. This is the prize for all my drug...er, hard work."

Dutch Antilles' Martina and USA's Spearmon, took second and third place, but were subsequently disqualified for stepping out of their lanes; an error for which they hold Bolt responsible.

"I was distracted", protests Martina. "I saw Bolt win the race, then three seconds later he's coming up on my shoulder again waving his flag. For a minute, I thought it was his twin brother or a robot clone. It left me confused."

Spearmon was also unhappy and blasted the tournament officials.

"Where's the disqualification for Bolt? You can't win a race twice. It's disrespectful. Coming round the bend, Bolt pats me on the back and says 'hard luck'. I'm thinking 'What do you mean? The race isn't over yet, and where the hell did you get that flag?'. Baffled. Absolutely baffled."

Sprinting legend Michael Johnson was one of those who chose to pay credit to the Jamaican, describing him as a 'phenomenon'.

"Nothing surprises me with this guy anymore. Okay, maybe I was a bit surprised. Okay, I was really surprised. Okay, I still don't believe it. Okay, it doesn't even make sense. Okay, not a lick of sense. Okay, it defies logic. And physics. I gotta go watch a replay. This must be bullshit. No way man, no way."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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