Written by Kent Pete
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Tuesday, 19 August 2008

image for England vs Czech Republic: The day English Football finally lost its soul.

In news that will enrage English Soccer fans throughout the world David Beckham is the only first team regular who has made himself available to play the friendly at the new Wembley stadium on Wednesday night.

Naked save for a tight pair of Armani underpants Becks said yesterday: "Yes I'll play, why the fuck not."

However it is scandalous that many members of the squad do not seem to share his enthusiasm for the game.

England physio Mark Leather has confirmed that no fewer than 13 first team regulars have made themselves unavailable for selection for the meeting with the Czechs later this week:

"So far Gerrard, Robinson, Bentley, Walcott, Ferdinand, Carrick, Woodgate, Joe Cole and Gareth Barry have all pulled out due to injuries they said they picked up during training this morning. Ashley Cole has said he might be able to play but given the circumstances he will have to ring Cheryl first. Defoe has said that he wants to go and see his ex-girlfriend Danielle Lloyd do a topless photo shoot for Nuts magazine in Leeds. Theo is desperate to join him "

"Fat Frank who has just shown his amazing loyalty to Chelsea fans by signing a new £151,000 per week contract, said that he might play 'if the weather picks up a bit'. Stewart Downing told me he'd prefer to watch the match on TV because he reckons he gets a better view at home. I have never known a situation like this in all my time with the England team."

With fans paying upwards of £40 a ticket plus travel for the match it is a matter of some concern that the England players appear so apathetic towards the game.

New England boss Fabio Capello was due to attend a press conference this afternoon to discuss the situation but unfortunately pulled out at the last minute due to "unforeseen circumstances". However he was later seen skating with a mysterious blonde at an ice rink in Richmond, Surrey.

When asked by our Sports reporter Peter Shankly whether or not he intended to be in London this week, the England boss replied, without a hint of irony: "Forse". [Perhaps]

On a brighter note old warhorse Emile Heskey appears to have recovered from a knock he picked up against West Ham at the weekend and is set to lead the England attack against the Czech Republic . Just who he will partner up front is a cause for concern with reports that 1970's icon Mike Channon is planning to make himself available for selection again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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