Written by matwil
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Thursday, 5 June 2008

image for Time Warp Revealed At Wimbledon
The 1890s time warp, what?

In a surprise announcement, scientists today announced that the tennis complex in Wimbledon, South-West London, actually goes into a giant time warp every summer.

Speaking from his lab, Dr. Jekyll, chronologist and amateur medicine-mixer, said: 'We'd suspected this for a while, but now we have the evidence. Once the championships begin the All-England club goes back in time to the 1890s. People's clothes, mannerism, even the way they speak becomes Victorian and Empire-building. The men all dress in flannels, and keep saying 'Oh I say!', whilst eating strawberries and drinking tea, and women all sip glasses of Pimms and act like members of the aristocracy living in India, or somewhere.'

One British player there, in training to be being knocked out in round one, said: 'Oh I say! Rather, what? Frightfully decent show, old chap.' And a female spectator, cooling herself with a Chinese fan and drinking a cup of Earl Gray, added: 'Yah, it's fun here, ya know, better than Honkers and more fun than Derby day. Wonder if Andy Murray won't win again, haha!'

This isn't the first time warp at a sporting venue in England, as for years both the old and now the new Wembley have sent fans there permanently back to 1966, and in fact anywhere England play is enclosed in a time warp of that year. And similarly, all English cricket fans immediately enter the 1880s in test match stadiums, as that was the last era of great English cricket teams.

Sports commentator Gary Linemarker said: 'Well, it's nice for people to drone drone drone zzzzzzz', and footballer Paul Gascoigne said: 'If only there was a 1980s time warp, man, I could be missing penalties and boring Spurs fans to death again, like!' And ex-Scotland manager Walter Smith said: 'Wouldn't want to be in the 80s again, the Scotland team then was even worse than than it is now - oops, that's impossible.'

A BBC spokesman admitted they knew about the time warp, and had done for decades. 'Yes, even the commentators are sent back to the 1890s, though for some strange reason John McEnroe is immune to the warp.' Anyone for tennis, what, what?!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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