The National Football League is refusing to release the results of a survey which could prove more damaging to the NFL than any steroid or drug scandal of the past.
The survey, confidential as to individuals, shows that slightly over 80% of all current NFL players are homosexual, according to three separate sources in the NFL offices.
Homosexuality has long been a very scary subject in all professional sports, not only because of the players supposed reluctance to dress in the same locker room with gays, but also because the average sports fan is a homophobic Neanderthal. The average sports fan, according to Dr. Ernst Pirkle, director of the Sports and Sexuality Clinic in New York City, is likely to be "a crypto homosexual himself. Cheering for men, refusing to cheer for women, taking their shirts off, shaving designs in the back hair of their friends -- male friends. All of these things make one wonder just how large is the sports closet - perhaps it is a locker room, by now."
The NFL, as expected, dismisses Dr. Pirkle and his theories. "Preposterous," says NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "Not only is Dr. Pirkle's data sketchy, he is making extrapolations which are totally unsupportable given what little data he does have. He is the sort of expert an attorney who has no chance to win brings in to testify to cloud the issue."
Most NFL players have long said "No Way!" to gays in the locker room, but it appears that was just a smoke screen. One player who insisted on anonymity said, "I suppose it's time to stop lying about myself." He laughed, "At least I won't have to hate gays anymore."
Observers have long noted and commented on the preponderance of hugging, butt slapping and jumping on one another in happier moments which filled the screen during NFL games. In the past everyone has dismissed this behavior as boys will be boys.' Apparently, they were correct. As another player noted referring to the occasional testicle squeeze in the bottom of a pileup, "who knew it was just that linebacker getting fresh?"