Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 22 May 2008

image for Cristiano Ronaldo Awarded Freedom Of Manchester Gay Quarter
Anal Street: Queen takes bishop from behind

Cristiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United winger whose goal helped the Reds to win last night's Champions League Final in Moscow, is to be given the freedom of Manchester's Gay Quarter as a result of his services to the area.

The Portuguese player notched his 42nd goal of the season last night to open the scoring, and, even though he later missed a penalty, United triumphed after John Terry fell on his arse in a puddle, and handed the Cup to the Reds.

Now, say Manchester City Council officials, Ronaldo is to be honoured by having the freedom to roam the city's Gay Quarter. His domain will centre around the area of Chorlton Street and Canal Street, as far as Dale Street, and will include Sackville Street, Whitworth Street and Princess Street. However, he must not stray into Minshull Street, where it's likely he would be beaten up.

Canal Street became famous several years ago when louts scratched the initial 'C' from its name, leaving it as an instantly recognisable area for bumbandits to congregate.

The honour has been bestowed upon Ronaldo, 23, not because he is gay in the modern sense of the word - ie homosexual - but because he is always happy, smiling and seems to be enjoying himself - the Victorian definition of the word 'Gay'.

Council executive Mike Bent said:

"He can go wherever he likes within the confines of the wonderful and vibrant gay community of Manchester."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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