Written by Simon Cockle
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Monday, 5 May 2008

image for Chelsea aim to win 'control of the universe' to pacify disappointed fans
The Che Guevara stadium

Despite appearing in the Champions League final at the end of this month and being level on points with Manchester United in the Premiership with only one game to go, many Chelsea fans are disappointed with their team's performance this year.

"We just haven't played well," said Gavin Home-Counties of the Chelsea Supporters Association, "Finals and potential league titles are just not good enough. The fans are getting restless. And ADHD is not always the reason why".

In response to the negative response to this year's campaign, Roman Abramovich has promised that Chelsea will challenge for everything next year, including control of the known universe in all dimensions. "We owe it to our fans. They see Manchester United attaining omniscience and becoming God of all living things, and they get jealous".

Previously, only Liverpool have come close to total control of all known matter, failing in the end because they lost to Real Madrid in the Cup of Dark Matter and Wormholes (previously the Watneys Cup).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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