Written by Gene Mason
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Monday, 21 April 2008

image for Cubs Assemble Roster of Hellraisers for 2008
Wrigley Field

Chicago Cubs general manager Jim Hendry believes that he has finally come up with the winning formula to break the team's 100 year World Series drought.

Hendry is firmly convinced that the team's storied jinx is real, and he fears that if all else fails to stop them, Jesus Christ will decide to return during the World Series. He is insuring that the rapture will not affect his lineup.

For the 2008 season, Hendry has pulled out all the stops, trading away players caught praying in the dugout or raising money for charity and loading his roster with rapture-proof free agents with a history of solid production in spite of their non-stop partying lifestyles.

"When they come to the park, they'd better be ready to play, but I don't want some choir boy costing us the World Series by getting raptured away at a crucial moment in the game," Hendry said.

The club's fast start, including a three game sweep of the Pirates over the weekend, has fans once again hopeful of an end to their long and noble suffering.

For his part, Hendry is doing all he can to prevent Jesus from joining Murphy the goat, Blackie the cat, and Steve Bartman in the Cubs' pantheon of woe.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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