Written by Kent Pete
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Sunday, 6 April 2008

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Keegan had little faith in this Shower of Shite.

Kevin Keegan, one of the most charismatic of soccer managers, has sensationally resigned from Newcastle United, the English Premier League club he has served for just over three month's.

The break was as simple as it was dramatic. "It was my decision alone", Keegan said in a prepared statement. "I feel I have taken the club as far as I can and that it would be in the best interest of all concerned if I resign now."

However although the Geordie idol was , as ever, the master of discretion, rumours are rife around St James' Park that the man they call 'Special K' was far from happy with the state in which he found his beloved Newcastle United. Ironically things appeared to be improving at the club after an initial shaky start.

Talking to our sports correspondent after Saturday's 3-0 win against Reading Keegan said,

"Everyone knows I have been out of football for over three years and I believe the club owner Mike Ashley used this against me. When I agreed to come back I did so on the understanding that we were seven points clear in the Premiership with a game in hand, that we were in the Quarter finals of the European Cup and that Alex Ferguson had been replaced at Old Trafford by Steve McClaren. Further Ashley told me that we had recently signed Ronaldinho from Barcelona and Kaka from Milan.

"Imagine my surprise when I turned up to watch my first game in charge against Stoke City. I didn't recognise a soul apart from Joey Barton and I assumed he would be serving life by now. I hate to let the fans down but, despite a few recent wins, to turn this shower of nonsense around I would need either an in depth knowledge of the transfer market or acute tactical ability. And let's be honest I have neither."

It is believed that the appointment of cockney barrow boy and part time dwarf, Dennis Wise was the final straw for King Kev.

"Yes, it was a surprise. I suppose I was hoping that there was an outside chance he might know of a few good players that we could buy in the transfer window but when I asked him he simply said, 'Gawd blimey mate, sort your Barnet fair out, I'm off down the Barking toad for a bull and cow with the ol' misses'. He then did a quick Lambeth walk and sped off down the motorway in his brand new Audi A3 Cabriolet. It confirmed my worst fears."

Keegan has said that Newcastle was the only club that could have tempted him back to club football; and it was said on his behalf that he had no wish to manage another club.

Leaving St James' Park last night a tearful KK said,

"I want to apologise again to the wonderful people of Newcastle. But as I have said I was brought back to the club on false pretences. I am not even sure that Shearer will be coming back from injury in the near future. The more I hear I'm beginning to think he might have retired."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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