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Wednesday, 26 March 2008

image for Wayne Rooney given new words to use for dissent
Footballers need to be more imaginative in their language

Footballers are feeling the pressure following the Football Association's recent campaign against dissent towards referees and the dismissal of Mascherano during the Manchester United game on Sunday. However, many believe that being prevented from swearing will prevent them from playing their natural game. There are fears that Wayne Rooney will be reduced to an ordinary spud faced fat kid if he is not allowed to hurl vile abuse at officials.

Thankfully a solution is near at hand. Manchester United is working on a new set of vocabulary which players can use to express rage and frustration, but which will not be able to be punished by the referee as they will not be actually swearing. Most of the vocabulary is a secret, but Man United did give us a sneak preview with one of the F words.

"The new four letter F word is farm. So if Wayne is booked he can say to the ref that he is farming mad and a complete farmer. He can't be punishes as he will merely be trying to strike up conversation about the referee's agrarian roots."

Man United admitted that the new system was taking a little bit of time to embed. Wayne Rooney has not fully entered into the spirit of the move and was heard to call an official "a farming knobhead." When it was pointed out that this was still liable to get him into trouble, Wayne looked aggrieved: "I just meant he was a cock - and they live on farm don't they?"

Oh dear Wayne, you thick farmer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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