The FA have announced that David Beckham will play a full 90 minutes in the FA Cup Final at Wembley on 17th May. The bizarre news comes via a hurried press conference staged at Soho Square by FA Chief Executive Brian Barwick, England Manager Fabio Capello and representatives from FurQ Finance plc.
It was revealed that Beckham, aka Goldenballs, will play 45 minutes for each team. Should the game go into extra time, then he will be rested for the remaining 30 minutes, with one side taking a player off so that both sides are using ten men.
Should the game go to penalties, the Beckham will take all of them for both sides.
Beckham commented: "I just like to give it 110% whoever I'm playing for - for the sake of the team, and for England, and for my wife and kids. Everyone knows how important 100 caps is to me. If the FA need me to step in and help out, I'm always ready and fit."
It was first believed that England Manager Fabio Capello was the architect of the plan, but it was then revealed that Wembley's financial backers have put pressure on the FA to act.
A spokesperson on behalf of Wembley Stadium said: "We have to shift the tickets somehow. Wembley holds nearly 90,000 punters for Christ's sake. Do you seriously think that 40,000 Barnsley supporters are going to shell out for £1500-a-go tickets? No sodding way matey. Have you any idea how much the repayments are on this Stadium? Let me tell you, there isn't enough money in Barnsley, Cardiff, West Bromwich and Portsmouth squashed together to make one months interest on this baby. It'd be bye bye Wembley, hello Tesco's if we didn't take action."
He continued: "Now Beckham's playing, we'll be able to fill Wembley with 90,000 twice over with the Pink Pound. Think of all the corporate stuff we can hang off it."
Cardiff Manager Dave Jones was in favor of the decision. He said: "At least he can cross a bloody ball. Have you seen the bunch of w***ers that I've got at Cardiff? They couldn't cross a sodding lottery ticket. And anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing his missus at half time - I've heard she's got a cracking pair of baps."
Portsmouth Manager Harry Redknapp refused to speak to the Spoof after we published a story that reported he had sold his mother, and then was guilty of taking a bung to buy her back after she failed a medical.
In another gobsmacking announcement, it was revealed that tickets will be sold for each half of the game, priced at £200 for the first 45 minutes and £900 for the second half.
Both sittings will be able to watch a special appearance from the Spice Girls, who will be performing to fans as they leave at half time, and as the second half fans are seated. Fans wishing to purchase tickets for both 45 minute periods will have to stump up a whopping £1500, which includes half time sushi and a bottle of water.