Written by Warren Redlich
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Topics: Basketball, Lawyers

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

image for Personal Injury Lawyers Beat DUI Attorneys in Deadly Basketball Match
MRI showing no brain activity in dead DUI lawyer's head

In a grim contest, a local team of personal injury attorneys defeated their DUI lawyer counterparts today on a different court - the basketball court. It was supposed to be a charity event. Each lawyer put up $1000 and sponsors contributed more, with the pot of money going to the winning team's charity. Due to the sharp elbows and dirty play, one DWI attorney died and two personal injury lawyers suffered severe brain injuries.

Melvin Spraul spoke on behalf of the winning team. He first expressed happiness that the win meant $50,000 would go to his favorite charity. Spraul, who specializes in brain injury cases, sits on the board of a non-profit that cares for victims of such problems. At the same time, Spraul was clearly disturbed by the irony that two of his teammates will now be patients in the care of Brain Injury Care, Inc.

While he was somber in mood, Spraul had no apologies for killing Sean Murphy of the DUI team. "He had it coming," said Spraul, "after he took out Aaron. But what really did it was when he tried to hip check me into the side table. I had to protect myself." Video from the event shows that Spraul really was in danger and that his actions were reasonable in defending himself, so no charges will be filed.

Accusations continue to fly back and forth between the two teams, with the personal injury lawyers calling the DUI lawyers "a bunch of drunks," and the latter calling the former "cheating lying whores." The exchange of intended insults appears to have calmed things down, however, as the recipients took the slurs as compliments.

The game was called after Murphy's untimely demise in the second quarter, with his team down 14 points. The keg was also empty. Spraul said he was hopeful they could do a rematch next year, but perhaps with real referees instead of strippers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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