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Friday, 22 February 2008

image for Gazza given football-theme padded cell
Gazza in his heyday

Troubled ex-England footballer Paul Gascoigne has been placed in a soccer-themed rubber room based on his England glory days.

The 40 year old soccer legend, affectionately known as Gazza, was sectioned under the mental health act on 21st February and is now being held at a secure insane asylum at an undisclosed location to prevent obsessive fans pestering him.

It is understood that he is to wear a straight-jacket with his England number on it, along with his old shorts and football boots. The padded cell itself is said to be tastefully decorated with images of goal posts, cheering fans and advertising hoardings painted onto the rubber. In the hope this will restore his withered mind to sanity, nurses will also be required to chant "EN-GUL-LAND" upon entering his room and Doctors will have to run in kitted up as trainers.

'A sad day for football'

Upon hearing of Gazza's sectioning, hopeless Newcastle Manager Kevin Keegan, spoke for many when he said "Having talked with his father and sister, this is the best thing that could have happened to us." Adding vehemently, "It will be a sad day for football if that bastard's ever released. I hope he rots in Bedlam forever."

As a Newcastle apprentice in the 1980s, Gascoigne used to clean Keegan's boots.

"He was a boot boy when I was a player back here in 1983-84 -and not a very good boot boy," he said. "He lost one of my boots, and I was scoring quite a lot of goals that season. After that, I lost form. So fuck him."

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