Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 18 December 2007

image for Souness To Take Over Scotland In New Year
Souness in a level-headed moment

Graeme Souness, the ex-Liverpool player and manager, though never player-manager, is rumoured to be on the verge of being confirmed as the next manager of the Scotland football team. His formal appointment will be made in the New Year.

Souness, 54, has been in the footballing wilderness since being sacked from his position as manager of Newcastle United in 2006. He has also had spells at Glasgow Rangers, Galatasaray, Benfica, Torino and Blackburn Rovers.

The non-level-headed, hard-man Scotlander who eats nails, and suffers heart attacks for a hobby, is well-known for his scathing attacks on players who are underperforming, or who are performing well, but who Souness just doesn't like. Craig Bellamy was one of these.

The Scotland job has become available due to the resignation of Alex McLeish, who has made the terrible decision to take up the post at Birmingham City, and 'Souey', as he is known in pubs, could be the ideal candidate to replace him.

Souness is famous for his wild proposal, in 2002, that Scotland players should wear tartan kilts instead of shorts, but his idea was ignored when the Scottish FA realised that he also wanted nothing worn underneath.

Recently, however, Souness has mellowed somewhat. He has limited his alcoholic intake to Binge Levels, and has been attending Anger Management classes, where, despite the reluctance of many tutors to comment on his behaviour, one did, anonymously, offer:

"He's simmering nicely."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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