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Wednesday, 12 December 2007

image for Tyson still backing Hatton to win: well, are you gonna tell him?
Hatton's training regime of lifting his own weight in Cheese burgers, then "running" up an escalator have been

Ricky Hatton has had his head knocked clean off by Floyd Mayweather, who apparently isn't just a loud-mouthed preener after all, but Mike Tyson doesn't appear to have noticed.

"Yeah, I think Ricky's got the heart of a gazelle and the determination of a Tonka truck. He's gonna nail Mayweather in the third," Iron Mike told reporters, before stepping aside to allow Hatton's battered corpse to be carried past.

The fight was finally stopped in the 10th round when a stinging left hook from Mayweather sent Hatton sprawling into the ropes, and his head cartwheeling into the crowd. Despite the plucky Mancunian's assertion that it was "nowt but a scratch", referee Jose Carreras ruled the fight over, and Mayweather the winner.

Hatton's skull, meanwhile, was caught by Freda Whales in the 12th row, who was quoted as saying it was a wonderful souvenir and would make a fine beehive cover.

With Hatton dead Mayweather has now been described as the best pound-for-pound thing on the planet, harder even than King Kong. He announced his retirement immediately and scientists plan to study his DNA in the hope of creating some sort of super-race to fight wars and stuff.

The English fans who travelled to Las Vegas to support Hatton were upbeat, despite the vicious slaying of their boy.

"Well, we done all we could" said Winston Thug from Liverpool: "We booed the Star Spangled Banner, we got shitfaced and vomited in the streets, and I personally urinated in the fountain outside the MGM Grand. I think we've got to be proud of the support we gave Ricky."

Hatton's trainer saluted the fans, who he described as "the best kind of racist scum", and said Ricky also did his bit for England.

"Yeah he snuck in a few illegal punches and our game plan of getting in close and calling his Mum a pikie seemed to be going great guns. Unfortunately Ricky's cunning tactic, of telling Floyd his shoelace was undone than headbutting him when he looked down, went out of the window before the first bell when we realised he was wearing slip-ons."

There will now be question marks over Hatton's future, what with him being dead and all, but his trainer says this will not be the end of his career, and does not expect death to stand in the way of a victory over Audley Harrison some time in the New Year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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