Written by Freddy Cohen
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Topics: Baseball, Yankees

Sunday, 18 November 2007

image for New York Yankees Buy Themselves

In an unprecedented move, today the New York Yankees have acknowledged that they in fact have purchased themselves.

Yankees' brass admitted that there were no other free agents left in the market as they have gotten them all. The move was the latest power play by the Yankees in an effort to once again get back to and win the World Series. Yankees' Vice President and General Manager Brian Cashman was quoted as saying, "We believe this move of buying ourselves will add the flexibility we need in our bullpen and middle infield to compete versus Boston and Tampa Bay".

Further North in Boston, Red Sox team officials were paying careful attention to the Yankees unorthodox transaction. "It is just another example of the Evil Empire trying to expand their domain" said Leo Epstein, General Manager of the Red Sox. "It will just give us twice the pleasure when kicking their overpriced asses next year."

The Yankees' cross-town rivals, the New York Mets did not know what to make of the situation. However, Manager Willie Randolph was determined to not let the Mets be outdone. He acknowledged that the Mets have a definitive plan of action to steal headlines away from the Yankees during this critical time.

"We have three things we plan to do", Randolph was quoted as saying. "One is to hire a 3rd team psychiatrist to travel with the team after every September 1st. His title will be 'Team Meltdown Avoider-Guy'. Another, and this answers the Yankees' 1.3 billion dollar move, is to have Taco Nights every Tuesday at Shea. Buy one, and the second taco will be half-off. That's value right there. Third, we plan to hire Joel Skinner from the Indians as our 3rd base coach. We like what he brought to the table in that Boston series".

George Steinbrenner, his usual aggressive self, was pleased with the big move. The Boss was quoted as saying, "We like this move. We think Ed Whitson is just what the starting staff needs." Derek Jeter was named Captain of what will be known as the Yankees/Yankees, while Alex Rodriguez hopes to expand his role as team jinx.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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