Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 23 November 2007

image for Chelsea Sign Daniel Radcliffe To Supply That "Missing Magic"
Radcliffe flanked by Gordon Strachan and a groupie

Premiership title challengers Chelsea have agreed terms with the film star Daniel Radcliffe in a bid to put back some of the magic that has been lacking since the departure of their former manager Jose Mourinho.

Radcliffe, star of such blockbusting movies as Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Harry Potter and the Spells of Doom, Harry Potter and JK Rowling's Endless Spoutage, Harry Potter's Glasses and Equus, during which, he is violated by a horse, is not known as a footballer, but is a dab hand with a magic wand.

New manager Avram Grant is keen to inject some of Chelsea's former magic into their game, which has turned 'dull and boring' once more, with the result that some Blues' fans refer to him as 'that boring Yid'. Others have called for the return of Portugeezer Mourinho.

A versatile player who can switch between defence and attack with a twitch of his nose or a well-chosen spell, Radcliffe, who is still only 8, is currently filming the latest instalment of Rowling's relentless Potter series, Harry Potter and the Divers, which is a thinly-veiled dig at Chelsea strikers.

Despite Chelsea's 'magic quest', they won't be needing any this weekend, as they are only playing Derby County.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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