Written by tzdan
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Topics: Barry Bonds

Friday, 16 November 2007

image for Bonds: "They Weren't Performance Enhancing Steroids"
Bonds' brain, which has taken on a grey shade, characteristic of chronic wasting.

SAN FRANCISCO - Baseball's home run king, Barry Bonds, was his usual witty, charming self as he shrugged off questions regarding his recent indictment by a federal grand jury.

Bonds agent held an emergency press conference in San Francisco in an attempt to stem a tide of bad press that could tarnish the slugger's sterling reputation.

"I never lied to that jury back in 2003," said Bonds, referring to his testimony in a previous trial. "I may have taken steroids, but they weren't performance enhancing steroids. Ask my doctor, he prescribed them for me to deal with a chronic wasting condition that has plagued me for years."

It was then Bonds' doctor's turn to address the gathered media. "Barry is being completely truthful. I have legally prescribed steroids for him, for medical purposes. As you may not know, Barry is experiencing a chronic wasting of the brain."

Bond's lawyer followed the shocking revelation by stating that the condition described had affected Bonds' brain to such an extent that he can no longer determine truth from deception. "Barry was clearly not responsible for his actions when he went before the grand jury in 2003."

This latest revelation is further proof of the long-held belief that you don't need a fully functioning brain to play baseball.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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