Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 17 November 2007

image for The Adventures Of Anton Ferdinand And His Expensive Daft Watch
It was probably one of these Bangkok knock-offs

Anton Ferdinand, the West Ham United defender, and younger brother of ugly Manchester United star Rio Ferdinand, attacked a rival player leaving him deaf in one ear when a football night out went sideways, it has been claimed.

The incident happened during a friendly night out between West Ham and Ilford Town, when Ferdinand struck Ilford player Emile Walker - who is no relation to Emile Heskey - in the side of the head, felling him like 'a sack of potatoes'.

Other players then piled in to the fracas, kicking punching, stealing jewellery and pulling hair, which only ended when a passing policeman told them to stop it.

Ferdinand, 22, told Snaresbrook Crown Court that he had struck Walker because he had thought the Ilford player was going to 'rush' him and steal his £64,000 watch, which, incidentally, is too much to pay for a watch.

Most traditional watches tell the time fairly adequately and, to have a timepiece that costs as much as Ferdinand's, smacks of extravagance. Indeed, Ferdinand's co-accused, Edward Dawkins, was, on the night of the attack, wearing a Timex watch that cost only £19.99 which he purchased at Argos, and with which, he is extremely pleased, it having performed its function quite satisfactorily during the three years he has had it.

Lord Chief Justice Whippet presiding, told the defendant:

"You are an extremely vicious thug who has a rather too expensive watch. To savagely cane this token black man to within an inch of deafness is not the sort of thing that I generally allow on my manor."

(Proceeding)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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