Written by Tess Tickles
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Thursday, 23 August 2007

image for Real Madrid Sign Osama Bin Laden
"I'm hoping to win some trophies and if I recruit some suicide bombers in the process, what the hey!

Real Madrid sent shockwaves through the world of sport last night by unveiling Al-Qaeda leader and renowned enemy of America Osama Bin Laden as their newest recruit in a Summer spending spree which has also seen them sign Christoph 'New York' Metzhelder, Pepe and Royston 'Don't call me Roy' Drenthe.

George W. Bush was understandably quick to condemn the move, describing it as 'deplorable', 'insulting' and 'a total embarrassment since I thought I'd nuked this guy', while presidential candidate Hilary Clinton admitted her shock, especially since she felt what they really needed was 'a new left back to replace Roberto Carlos' (as we all know, Osama is a right winger, having winged it many times from the FBI).

Coach Bernd Schuster however, hit back: "They're just jealous that we captured Osama. He's a real steal."

And that 'real steal' is the subject of an Al-Qaeda complaint, who allege that Bin Laden was tapped up by the Spanish giants:

"Osama had four years left on his contract. We're not happy with Madrid's conduct and shall be contacting FIFA about this matter."

Real deny these allegations:

"We went through the proper channels...and caves".

Pedrag 'Queen' Mijatovic, director of football, was quick to explain the club's transfer policy amidst uproar from several quarters:

"We were sitting around at a board meeting trying to think of someone to replace Beckham. So we thought to ourselves 'Who's more famous than Beckham?"...and that's when it hit us-Osama Bin Laden!"

However, the former Yugoslavia international responded angrily to claims that Bin Laden was, much like Beckham, just another marketing ploy to exploit the untapped market of Afganistan, though he did admit that they would be touring the region 'as soon as we can find a good bomb shelter' and that Bin Laden was 'a bit of a one-trick pony' and would be 'primarily used as a supersub'.

Sales of Bin Laden shirts have gone through the roof in Kabul-well they would've gone through the roof if all the roofs hadn't been bombed-and are particularly popular with young Muslim terrorists.

However, stalwart Guti expressed doubts that the transfer would succeed:

"It looks like the galactico policy is back again. I just hope this guy isn't a disruptive influence in the dressing room what with his whole 'I hate America. Let's bomb it' schtick. I just like to chill out."

Rumours that Antonio Cassano had been sent the other way as part of the deal were met with silence, though Raul did hint that this may be the case when he said:

"He was a fat prat anyway."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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