Hulk Hogan, and his life-partner Mean Jean, was on hand at the 95th Annual Monday Night Raw WWF SmackDown to watch the fireworks between the Trickster and John Cena. With 40 of the meanest S.O.B.'s in the ring the event was standing room only at the Los Angeles Basin Arena.
"Let me tell you brother, all these little Hulksters and Hulksterettes have got to look past my 24 inch Pythons ," Hogan said as he kissed his biceps, " and see what a true champion looks like, and he's in the ring right now." The Hulk then ripped off his under-sized wife beater shirt and handed it to Jean who used it to wipe the sweat off his brow.
The fight was predictable enough; the plan was everybody clobbers Tricky. But things didn't go as planned. Ricky was virtually untouchable and easily eliminated every opponent in the ring. In a tragic turn of events, Todd Grisham mistakenly wandered into the arena. Tricky Ricky quickly grabbed him by the ankles and broke him on the head of Triple H. The Trickster said he should change his name to Preparation H, 'cause that's all he was good for. Umaga was removed on a stretcher after Rickomatic escaped a Half-Nelson and administered a Samoan Spike. The Governator of California was overhead saying, "I vood nevah dare call him [Tricky Ricky] a girly man!"
Snitsky left crying after he overstretched and had one of his legs kicked out from under him. The result was a splitsky and he landed hard on his nadsky's. Rory McAllister suffered an atomic wedgie and the Sandman was put to sleep. The Hacksaw Jim Duggan quietly stepped out of the canvas square when he saw what row Daivari landed on when Tricky Ricky slapped him off his feet. Stone Cold refused to participate when he found out that Trickomite would be competing. "What a wimp," Rick said.
Finally, it was down to Trickolicious and John 'the Marine' Cena. The fans were going wild. They circled looking at each other and then locked hands. Tricky tightened his grip and Cena cried out like a little girl as he fell to his knees. Ricky dropped on his back and digging a foot into John's groin area flipped him head over heals where he smacked into the turnbuckle upside down. Cena was groggy and trying to get to his feet when Ricky administered a rake to the eyes and flung him across the ring against the ropes. When John bounced off the ropes he was met by a brutal clothesline ala Steven Segal.
The Marine was barely squirming in the middle of the ring when Tricky climbed up to the third turnbuckle and launched himself through the air landing with a crushing elbow to the back of the prone Cena's neck. That seemed to wake him up and he tried crawling out of the ring but Ricky started pulling him back to the center of the ring.
"Help me mommy, help me!" Cena yelped as he was put over a knee and spanked. Even the cold-blooded Hannibal Lecter, who was waiting to see if anything edible would be left, screamed, "Oh, for the love of God! The humanity! Somebody help him!"
The brutal assault ceased when Vince McMahon ran out with the trophy held high screaming, "Stop! You win! Here's the trophy! Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Stop!"
Ricky's voice could barely be heard over the 85,000 screaming fans. His parting words were, "Phew, that was the longest 15 minutes of my life. I almost broke a sweat." John Cena announced his retirement shortly afterwards at Belleview Hospital.