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Wednesday, 28 September 2005

image for New York Yankees To Build Orbiting Baseball Stadium Of Unspeakable Power

Emperor George Steinbrenner today revealed that his Evil Empire has already begun construction on a baseball stadium in orbit over the forest moon of Endor. This new Death Diamond will house the New York Yankees, a horrific sports franchise capable of destroying entire divisions and rendering competing payrolls inconsequential.

To ensure that the Yankees will destroy incoming American League and interleague competition, Steinbrenner has entrusted the supervision of the stadium's construction to his apprentice, Lord Brian Cashman. Cashman in turn is motivating commander Joe Torre to see that the team's pitching lineup is deep enough when the Emperor arrives for his inspection tour in mid-March.

While the massive stadium is evidence of the power of the Empire, ESPN commentator Dan Patrick believes that it is also proof of the Empire's greatest weakness-- the belief that limitless funds are superior to the will of oppressed clubs fighting for a snowball's chance in hell to win the AL pennant. Patrick also added that their laser cannon did not yet appear to be "fully operational," and that the acquisition of Alex Rodriguez is a questionable gamble which may not pay off financially.

Steinbrenner responded by taking Patrick captive and forcing him to watch as the Death Diamond's arsenal of power hitters split apart the University of Dayton, turning the campus and its student body and faculty into ash and debris. A-Rod was then given license to "go midieval" on Patrick to make an example of him in time for SportsCenter's 6 PM broadcast.

The Yankees' new home complex will accomodate the Evil Empire's front office, 200,000 luxury boxes, a mile-wide billboard for Utz snacks, and a laser capable of eliminating enemy worlds such as Alderaan and Fenway Park.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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