Wimbledon - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Five consecutive times Wimbledon chamption Bjorn Borg told a tennis crowd at last night's Wimbledon Champions' Ball that he "was probably the biological father of Roger Federer", and was thrilled at the Swiss national's equalling his own astonishing championship record:
"It's been a big secret for years and years, of course, because Roger's mother gagged me, with legal stuff," Borg confided without a trace of apparent leg-pulling.
"Not that I needed gagging, but hey! I enjoyed that aspect of it quite a bit.
"But I can't stay silent any longer after winning $5 million from the bookies on a bet that Rog would complete the five-timer feat.
"Have I taken a paternity test? Sure, no sweat. Was the result positive? Who cares, I certainly don't and neither does Rog.
"And having heard on the internet last week that Martina Navratilova might be Maria Sahrapova's Mom, I can't see any reason to stay out of the limelight that surrounds Roger after his five set thrashing of Nadal on Center Court yesterday.
"Boris Becker might be the tennis world's number one legendary stud man after impregnating a waitress in Nobu restaurant's broom cupboard, but so what?
"I'm not a broom-cupboard kinda guy. Never have been. But in my time I was as macho at my game as Sampras, Laver and all the greats.
"So if there's any chance our DNA's at all mutual, I'd kinda like some credit for it.
"Especially if it gets me a front row seat in the Royal Box again and the kind of 5 star celeb treatment reserved for bix bux sponsors.
"But please no more bets! Especially on Roger marrying Maria Sharapova and siring a new generation of tennis greats.
"I can't see Roger's girlfriend Mirka Vavrinec seeing the funny side of such an arrangement!"