Written by Jalapenoman
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Sunday, 1 July 2007

image for Barry Bonds Breaks Another Record
The true symbol for Barry is not a bat, ball, or glove.

More records have fallen to San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds in his attempt to pass Hank Aaron's home run record. At this writing, Bonds is still five short of tying that record at 755. Other records have come his way in his past few games, however.

New milestones for the Balco boy are:

  • Most reporters snubbed for an interview in a career (13,462, passing O.J. Simpson)
  • Most children snubbed for an autograph (all of them).
  • Most boos received by a professional athlete (surpassing Santa Claus at the Philadelphia Eagles Veteran's Stadium).
  • Most syringes used by a professional athlete (surpassing the late Lyle Alzado).
  • Most destruction due to "roid rage" (another water cooler bit the dust last night and the Sparklets Man will be making another delivery).
  • Largest number of fan signs denouncing a player's accomplishments (3847 just in the left field bleachers at a home game!).
  • Most asterisks used in a record book (beats the previous record of one by another player with own record of 83).


When asked what he thought of these new records, Bonds ignored the reporter, smashed a water cooler, shoved an autograph seeking ten year old out of the way, and shot something into his arm that came from a bag marked BALCO.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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