Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 9 June 2007

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England players: how low can they go?

England footballers, including captain John Terry and his Chelsea team mate Frank Lamppost, have told the Football Association that they will not play for England again unless they are given a substantial pay rise.

The news comes after England had gone some way to helping their Euro 2008 qualification bid on Wednesday by despatching the minnows of Estonia in Tallinn.

England fans are already faced with having to pay through the nose for tickets, with some costing as much as £200 to watch inept performances.

Terry, already being paid more than £100,000 a week at Chelsea, who, in Roman Abramovich, have a bottomless pit of cash at their disposal, complained that playing for England is a drain on his time, and that he would not pull on the shirt again if he was not "properly compensated".

The last two words of that statement were written out for him, as he was unable to come up with something as clever as that himself.

Lamppost, who has had a book published, said:

"Ar need more money, din I? Playin' football is 'ard, and ar got fings to buy, in I?"

David Beckham, too, earns more than the Queen and Bill Gates combined, but has said that his wife's shopping trips leave him "out of pocket".

FA chief Brian Barstool was visibly annoyed, and said:

"Those greedy bastards! I only get a couple o' million pounds a year myself!"

Not all the players have been greedy enough to have asked for more cash though. Liverpool's ugly giant striker Peter Crouch plays for only £15-a-week on Merseyside, and has to clean other players' boots as well.

He told reporters:

"I'm just happy to get a game."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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