Written by James Wallin
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Saturday, 5 May 2007

image for Hammers to play out rest of season with clogs on
West Ham will be forced to burn their own supporters and buy Emile Heskey if legal action against them is successful

If legal action brought about by four premiership clubs is successful the West Ham squad will be forced to play their final game of the season wearing heavy wooden clogs and chainmail.

The controversy centres around the illegal acquisition of Carlos Tevez who, an independent inquiry revealed last week, is part-owned by a duck farm in Bogota. The Premiership rulebook states that no player registered with a duck farm or any other type of feathered animal enclosure can play in the top flight, unless it's a leap year.

The London club have already been fined 5.5 million pounds and had stuff thrown at them, but the commission stopped short of actually docking points, a move which would have ended West Ham's chances of survival in the Premier league. Now, with wins over Wigan, Everton and Bolton, and a strong possibility of the Hammers staying up, the teams surrounding them have decided to take action.

A court case brought by four of the clubs and spear-headed by Charlton Asthmatic is calling for harsh penalties in addition to the monetary fine already handed down. The clubs are calling for West Ham to be forced into selling all of their players under 37, to conduct training sessions on a hard shoulder of the M25 and to appoint a fish as head of the youth side. The team would also be forced to line up against Manchester United, for the last game of the season, in a kit weighing in at around 12 kilograms (not counting the bells).

Tevez has so far refused to comment on the whirlwind of controversy which his time at the club has whipped up. He has been instrumental in West Ham's revival in recent matches, his power of unsettling defenders with his sheer uglyness being finally put to good use.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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