Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 5 April 2007

image for Dana Altman Quits As Arkansas Razorbacks Basketball Coach After One Day
Altman will remain at Creighton to chart the plays

Dana Altman resigned as the head basketball coach to take the multi-million dollar a year job running the hoops program at the University of Arkansas. One day later, he quit and returned to his lower paying job at Creighton.

Altman stated that the Arkansas program was not a good fit for him. When he drove into town, he saw Jim's Razorback Pizza locations everywhere. He heard Hog Calling practice at the football stadium. The clincher, though, occured when he went into a convenience store for a bottle of water.

"I was hoping for Dasani or maybe Aquafina. They didn't have either. What I saw was only two varieties; they had Hawg Water and H2OG Water. I tried a different store; same thing. I tried a store in a different chain with the same results. I don't know where you come from or what you want to drink, but my family and I want something more appealing than that!"

Research discovered that the two brands are the top two selling bottled waters in the state. In fact, the leading national brands (Dasani, Aquafina, Culligan, Evian, Fiji, and Everclear, Ozarka, etc.) are generally not found in the state dedicated to their Razorbacks.

Concluded Altman, "At least I can say that I never lost a home game in Arkansas and never failed to qualify for the NCAA tournament during my tenure!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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